I’m back to my usual happy self after a couple of years of unrelenting grinding angst. Its weird its like being let out of the back of van that I had been forcibly bundled in to (or at least believed I was). “There you go, back in the Real World, you are free to go now Mr Newport, just don’t scare the horses (they are scared enough as it is )”.

I’m getting my shit together and generally knuckling under while fighting my own mild distraction ( “ooo look Call of Cthulhu 7th ed“) and disturbing lack of faith in myself.

Amidst a quick fire panic attack earlier today as I settled back into work after a four day break, I managed to calm myself and this great one popped into my head.

“Do you ever just bask in the sheer gorgeousness of it, feel the joy of life just flow through you?”

Of course the answer is a big NO!

I took mushrooms once and found out my fundamental baseline of reality is a slow motion apocalypse of Dante’s Inferno, with regular trips to Douglas Adam’s Total Perspective Vortex with blood dripping down the virtual walls. In short pretty damn pessimistic with a side order of viscous murder. I have many different personalities but the mental landscape they inhabit is fundamentally this and I see it as a daily struggle to rise above the shit.

So back to the question, “Do you ever just bask in the sheer gorgeousness of it, feel the joy of life just flow through you?”

What I changed my answer to YES?

Well that’s what I did this afternoon my friends……..and I no longer live in Hell 🙂

Its all about letting things go that no longer have any use and hold you back.

Changes have been made on the subtle/unseen level ( what do you think 2012 was about eh? ), but its up to us to carry it through.