Well back in 1079, there was this visitor to the little village of Leeds called Jack Pumpkin Head. No one knew where he come from, but there he was one day, demanding a fresh loaf of bread and a brace of Bury Black puddings a day from poor idiotic folk of those parts. If he failed to get this humble fare, he would take himself down the pub and with burning eyes and gnashing teeth kill any Norman ee did find there supping Titleys Ale.

King William was right alarmed and ordered the Scouring of the North to kill the Orange Headed one. But all the fire and slaughter inflicted by robber Norman Knights failed to kill old Jack, so King William was forced to leave his comfy seat down south in the Tower of London meet the oranged headed fiend in single combat. Lo on Ilkey Moor the two heroes met, and after a bloody combat, with much leaping about as to make John Woo most proud, King William did chop of Jack’s Pumpkin Head clean off.

Because he was right cross about having to come up from his comfy seat down south to the cold rainy Noff, he picked up Jack’s head and carved the words “Fuck off, ye be dead, I hate Titleys” on the soft squidgy orange head. Then he stormed off back down south, were the weather was nicer, where they had lovely sweet wine and big fook off castles to keep Saxons out!

The people never forgot King William’s victory over demon Pumpkin Headed Jack and if they were rich , or had a Morrisons nearby, would annually buy a pumpkin to carve into the visage of the terrible Jack with his burning eyes and gnashing teeth in the hope that Jack would come back to earth and deal with the Normans, now called Tories. (well you did ask  🙂 )